pass/fail

Today's a day where I distinctly feel the weight of failure, shame, regret.  On my back and shoulders lays the results of not doing what you needed to.

So here I sit, waiting to get the white, crisp, matter of fact Withdrawal form signed.

I do feel shame.  I turned my face when one of my past professors who's class I didn't do so well in walked by; why this ugly trail of failure, my not measuring up?

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In my disgusted feelings, I feel a hand tugging on my heart and a small voice calling me.

It would be worse a thing than failing a class to dishonor Christ by wallowing in an identity He stripped away from me the moment He died on the cross, for me.  He died that I not be shameful, not be bound by not measuring up, not be valued little.  He raised me up though I am just Ginny.  He says I am a treasure and that is what I am- it isn't for me to decide whether I am or am not, it is up to me to honor Him by agreeing with Him. Or dishonor Him, reject His love, by hiding my face and saying, "No I'm not!"

I don't feel very good.  But I'm not going to attach this failure to my identity which isn't my own anymore, really.  I will learn from this experience... and I'm suffering for it, as is what happens when you don't do what you were supposed to.  However, I will walk on.  Christ asks me--  imperfect yet dressed in robes of righteousness me-- to walk with HIM daily.  To walk in His light and truth daily.

In any case.  Here I stand, just Ginny, esteemed and beloved of the King. And I take another step.  It doesn't feel right in some sense for me to open up my arms to receive the love He is offering me in this very moment-- but it would be more disrespectful to Him not to do so.  So I sit waiting for the woman to return from lunch to sign my form, and my heart burns from a grace and from a love that He kindly, gently, abundantly wrapped me in.  I'm determined not to cry; people can't tell tears of gratitude from tears of sorrow a lot of times.