Things sure were stressful. Her grades were not where she wanted them, nor her room clean, nor other things that caused her heart to beat faster as the thought about them. Oy vey!
Yet she knew she was so blessed.
A walk with a friend full of laughter and comaraderie felt more fun than a roller coaster ride.
Talking to others who shared her dream inspired her and got her excited.
Dear friends made her laugh, made her cry, and made her feel lucky to have them in her life.
God's faithfulness usually brought tears to her eyes. Just when she was down, He would send a message through one of her friends or acquaintances, or through mail. He was faithful in many other ways too. Knowing there was more ahead made her feel like a child on Christmas Eve.
God used her to do that for people she knew sometimes, too-- it humbled her and made her feel honored that God had used her. Little tiny and messy, imperfect and flawed, Just Jane. How good was God to team up with her. It was unfathomable. Lord!
She hadn't earned this love and never could. But that is God! He functions in generosity, mercy, and grace!
Oy vey! Why not? She told her friends, "Merry Christmas!" when they entered the study lounge! They only chuckled, and the group did homework into the wee hours of the night.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Never alone
She shivered and folded her arms against fluffy winter coat. She was thankful now for the warmth that wasn't in the loveliest of styles (olive green and it looked like it could be a sleeping bag). She felt silly for being so embarassed at putting it on earlier that day.
She was on an evening walk. The leaves were gone now, and winter had all but arrived on the calendar. She could see her breathe as she walked beneath lights interspersed down her street. The lights weren't big or many enough to block out the stars, so looking up, she could see them too. They were extra bright surrounded by a deep, crisp, bottomless ocean blue.
It had been a tough couple of days.
She decided to ask God to walk with her. She knew He was already there, but there was something about intentionally letting Him know she wanted to spend this moment with Him. It made her think of home. She might be sitting next to her brother and both of them watching tv. But that wasn't really quality time. Quality time was when one of them turned down the volume a little and suggested they go play with the dog outside, or ask how one is doing and they started talking.
He took the invitation eagerly, she knew. This fact never failed to humble her heart- Big God, good God, waiting on her to stop watching tv and turn. And who opened his arms wide when she took the remote and turned down the volume herself.
She did end up talking to Him about her grievances.
He understood her worries. He understood the little grievances and frustrations she pulled out one by one. He understood the big things. He delighted to in her joys and things she was thankful for that week.
Oh, how good to walk with Someone who cares so much and whom she can trust it all with!!
She placed the worries and troubles, joys and thanks in His hands.
And He cradled them in His hands.
Put them safe in His pocket. When it was the perfect time, He'd pull the items out and create, out of each one's materials, something new and good that He'd lay down in her life, for her to walk into unawares.
She'd see this present eventually.
She had much less to carry now and felt happy to have shared it all with Someone. it can be lonely to hold onto so many things on your own. God of course already knew all about her life. But in sharing it with Him and trusting it with Him intentionally--- well, she got to love God by trusting Him and being with Him, and be loved on by God (who IS Love... this thought humbled her, too).
They walked back to the door. Buster the dog greeted Carrie and she smiled, giving him a kiss on his cold nose and getting sloppy kisses in return all over her face. She pulled back and wiped the slobber off, incredulous and laughing that she was (again) lovingly covered in dog drool.
Carrie went about her evening routine of reading, thinking, getting settled in and then sleeping.
And she knew she was never alone.
She was on an evening walk. The leaves were gone now, and winter had all but arrived on the calendar. She could see her breathe as she walked beneath lights interspersed down her street. The lights weren't big or many enough to block out the stars, so looking up, she could see them too. They were extra bright surrounded by a deep, crisp, bottomless ocean blue.
It had been a tough couple of days.
She decided to ask God to walk with her. She knew He was already there, but there was something about intentionally letting Him know she wanted to spend this moment with Him. It made her think of home. She might be sitting next to her brother and both of them watching tv. But that wasn't really quality time. Quality time was when one of them turned down the volume a little and suggested they go play with the dog outside, or ask how one is doing and they started talking.
He took the invitation eagerly, she knew. This fact never failed to humble her heart- Big God, good God, waiting on her to stop watching tv and turn. And who opened his arms wide when she took the remote and turned down the volume herself.
She did end up talking to Him about her grievances.
He understood her worries. He understood the little grievances and frustrations she pulled out one by one. He understood the big things. He delighted to in her joys and things she was thankful for that week.
Oh, how good to walk with Someone who cares so much and whom she can trust it all with!!
She placed the worries and troubles, joys and thanks in His hands.
And He cradled them in His hands.
Put them safe in His pocket. When it was the perfect time, He'd pull the items out and create, out of each one's materials, something new and good that He'd lay down in her life, for her to walk into unawares.
She'd see this present eventually.
She had much less to carry now and felt happy to have shared it all with Someone. it can be lonely to hold onto so many things on your own. God of course already knew all about her life. But in sharing it with Him and trusting it with Him intentionally--- well, she got to love God by trusting Him and being with Him, and be loved on by God (who IS Love... this thought humbled her, too).
They walked back to the door. Buster the dog greeted Carrie and she smiled, giving him a kiss on his cold nose and getting sloppy kisses in return all over her face. She pulled back and wiped the slobber off, incredulous and laughing that she was (again) lovingly covered in dog drool.
Carrie went about her evening routine of reading, thinking, getting settled in and then sleeping.
And she knew she was never alone.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
holding hands
And one dream died.
She fell on her knees and water leaked from her eyes, stinging. She breathed deep in and out, lungs shuddering. She had loved him- she was pretty sure. But he loved another girl.
She was happy for this ordained pair... It was how it was supposed to be. It would be great. It was a great thing. Maybe happy wasn't the best word, but rather, she appreciated the fact of it.
But it wasn't what her heart had longed for. Why, God, had you fed this desire? Had He?
Pain gripped her. "Gripped" is the nearest word that could describe how her heart felt. But slowly the knots of her heart began to unfurl, too.
Releasing this one dream- this dead dream---
It was tearing out a weight that had sat for a while on her heart.
Her shoulders- shaking-- they were lighter now.
But that didn't remove the rawness of it all. A hope- gone.
She knew this was making room for what God wanted for her. A different reality from the dream. This was a painful comfort to her fluttering heart, almost obtrusive.
And she could reason no more. She would walk in the hurt until the hurt was gone, and keep her thoughts only one step ahead at a time.
The Lord is present in every moment. It couldn't help but come to mind. She'd walk holding His hand, wordless-- no words are needed when someone understands. And what a God, to love her even though she was confused, hurt, and even angry at Him. Who would let her whisper His name when she was overwhelmed and desperate.
That's Jesus.
That is how Melody really felt.
She couldn't see it,
...but the LORD was working even then.
She fell on her knees and water leaked from her eyes, stinging. She breathed deep in and out, lungs shuddering. She had loved him- she was pretty sure. But he loved another girl.
She was happy for this ordained pair... It was how it was supposed to be. It would be great. It was a great thing. Maybe happy wasn't the best word, but rather, she appreciated the fact of it.
But it wasn't what her heart had longed for. Why, God, had you fed this desire? Had He?
Pain gripped her. "Gripped" is the nearest word that could describe how her heart felt. But slowly the knots of her heart began to unfurl, too.
Releasing this one dream- this dead dream---
It was tearing out a weight that had sat for a while on her heart.
Her shoulders- shaking-- they were lighter now.
But that didn't remove the rawness of it all. A hope- gone.
She knew this was making room for what God wanted for her. A different reality from the dream. This was a painful comfort to her fluttering heart, almost obtrusive.
And she could reason no more. She would walk in the hurt until the hurt was gone, and keep her thoughts only one step ahead at a time.
The Lord is present in every moment. It couldn't help but come to mind. She'd walk holding His hand, wordless-- no words are needed when someone understands. And what a God, to love her even though she was confused, hurt, and even angry at Him. Who would let her whisper His name when she was overwhelmed and desperate.
That's Jesus.
That is how Melody really felt.
She couldn't see it,
...but the LORD was working even then.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
autumn
Up her hoody went, and then she tucked her feet beneath her body. A cold, blustery day-
But too pretty not to enjoy for a few minutes with her dog. Ralph, an old terrior with black fur and a silver snout that echoed across his body in occasional silver hairs, kept his nose to the ground, having caught wiff of something. Had it not been windy maybe she could hear his loud "huff" of the nose and his mouth when he opened it to get a better catch of the scent. She could however hear his feet scraping over leaves. The soft rumble of the wind reminded her of the beach.
Leaves flipped and drifted to the ground all around her. The gutters were full; they'd only been cleared last week. But that is part of being surrounded by beautiful trees. Her dad had said he'd simply mow throught all the leaves. Seeing how many there were in one corner of the yard, she wondered if he had been fibbing to keep her from raking.
A smile caught at her lips as she stared at the grass, long now with dew glistening in sunlight and shimmering because of the wind moving it. She was thinking about what different people in her life would say about this morning.
Alone, she turned towards God and thanked him for the morning. She looked more closely at the different trees He had made-- a maple tree that actually had green leaves still that swelled like sails of a ship in the breeze; a pine tree with soft bristles that seemed to wave a thousand hands at her; a persimmon tree in the distance that glowed behind the pines, branches shifting forth and back. God's hand.
A blush itched to crawl across her face but it didn't, having wondered what one fellow she knew would say about the morning. She silently told God about that, too- He understood.
Mom would probably be talking on the phone were she here, admiring the morning and celebrating it the way she loved to- by talking with someone dear to her.
Dad would probably stand in the window and do dishes, relishing the beauty of nature, and finding satisfaction in getting a needed chore done with.
Her older brother would almost certainly sit for a few minutes in silence, and would've liked for someone else to join him, even if silent. Ralph would be sufficient company for him though if no other person would venture into the chill and glow.
She looked at Ralph, now sitting on the sidewalk across from her. He simply sat and looked towards the big lot adjacent to their yard. He was calm, ears not raises and slouched somewhat. He was just observing all around him, still, except for an occasional turn of the head to see elsewhere. He would do the same without her, but he stayed outside longer when there was company outside with him.
But too pretty not to enjoy for a few minutes with her dog. Ralph, an old terrior with black fur and a silver snout that echoed across his body in occasional silver hairs, kept his nose to the ground, having caught wiff of something. Had it not been windy maybe she could hear his loud "huff" of the nose and his mouth when he opened it to get a better catch of the scent. She could however hear his feet scraping over leaves. The soft rumble of the wind reminded her of the beach.
Leaves flipped and drifted to the ground all around her. The gutters were full; they'd only been cleared last week. But that is part of being surrounded by beautiful trees. Her dad had said he'd simply mow throught all the leaves. Seeing how many there were in one corner of the yard, she wondered if he had been fibbing to keep her from raking.
A smile caught at her lips as she stared at the grass, long now with dew glistening in sunlight and shimmering because of the wind moving it. She was thinking about what different people in her life would say about this morning.
Alone, she turned towards God and thanked him for the morning. She looked more closely at the different trees He had made-- a maple tree that actually had green leaves still that swelled like sails of a ship in the breeze; a pine tree with soft bristles that seemed to wave a thousand hands at her; a persimmon tree in the distance that glowed behind the pines, branches shifting forth and back. God's hand.
A blush itched to crawl across her face but it didn't, having wondered what one fellow she knew would say about the morning. She silently told God about that, too- He understood.
Mom would probably be talking on the phone were she here, admiring the morning and celebrating it the way she loved to- by talking with someone dear to her.
Dad would probably stand in the window and do dishes, relishing the beauty of nature, and finding satisfaction in getting a needed chore done with.
Her older brother would almost certainly sit for a few minutes in silence, and would've liked for someone else to join him, even if silent. Ralph would be sufficient company for him though if no other person would venture into the chill and glow.
She looked at Ralph, now sitting on the sidewalk across from her. He simply sat and looked towards the big lot adjacent to their yard. He was calm, ears not raises and slouched somewhat. He was just observing all around him, still, except for an occasional turn of the head to see elsewhere. He would do the same without her, but he stayed outside longer when there was company outside with him.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
delighted!
"You know what makes my heart sing?
What makes my feet wobble and my smile crack wide open?
It is you when you make me laugh!
Nope, not when you are suave and smooth (though, occasionally that will stop my heart).
I'd take your voice cracking over a perfect monologue most days.
Your shoe left untied tickles my heart,
And when you are lost for words, well, I like that side of you, too.
Seeing you be whoever (whatever in the world you are)...
It does my heart a heap of good."
-unknown
I'm thankful that love isn't based on perfection, but on genuine appreciation and dare I say, delight, in who the person is (and is not).
What makes my feet wobble and my smile crack wide open?
It is you when you make me laugh!
Nope, not when you are suave and smooth (though, occasionally that will stop my heart).
I'd take your voice cracking over a perfect monologue most days.
Your shoe left untied tickles my heart,
And when you are lost for words, well, I like that side of you, too.
Seeing you be whoever (whatever in the world you are)...
It does my heart a heap of good."
-unknown
I'm thankful that love isn't based on perfection, but on genuine appreciation and dare I say, delight, in who the person is (and is not).
Thursday, October 18, 2012
break
rocking chair...
warm socks...
seeing Dad...
work gloves on the table...
ESPN in the background...
Red brick walls and aloe vera plant draping over the sink...
notes and photos scattered on counters and fridge...
pens collected in old jars...
leaves scattered on lawn despite being raked two days ago...
warm tans and browns on the kitchen walls...
simple dear things.
i'm happy
Fall Break
warm socks...
seeing Dad...
work gloves on the table...
ESPN in the background...
Red brick walls and aloe vera plant draping over the sink...
notes and photos scattered on counters and fridge...
pens collected in old jars...
leaves scattered on lawn despite being raked two days ago...
warm tans and browns on the kitchen walls...
simple dear things.
i'm happy
Fall Break
Monday, October 8, 2012
The wind pulled at her hair. Eyes closed, she relished the roar and the water sprays hitting her face. They were charging into the storm. There really was no other way to reach their destination. They could turn back but the storm would just catch up with them later if they did. The team agreed consecutively that they would face the storm head on.
They studied it;
They got to know the thunder and rumble they were about to run into.
They prepared; the team got as much rest as they could, they prepared meals, they repaired ripped clothing. Training took up what time they were not preparing their items, their letters, their bodies, their souls.
The challenge was now near upon them;
And they seized the ropes and rigging with purpose.
They hadn't known setting out on this journey that such a storm would hit them. But now it seemed it was just for them. To overcome or send them to their Maker. Did the word adventure almost appear on the letter she was writing, that would be stuck in a glass bottle to land who knows where one day? She couldn't help it- the word was set.
The sky crackled and the boat tossed and turned. The team used every bit of knowledge, strength and faith.
They realized what it was to live; the traits of life well-lived seared their minds and empowered them to want to fight for more days for such life to walk.
They studied it;
They got to know the thunder and rumble they were about to run into.
They prepared; the team got as much rest as they could, they prepared meals, they repaired ripped clothing. Training took up what time they were not preparing their items, their letters, their bodies, their souls.
The challenge was now near upon them;
And they seized the ropes and rigging with purpose.
They hadn't known setting out on this journey that such a storm would hit them. But now it seemed it was just for them. To overcome or send them to their Maker. Did the word adventure almost appear on the letter she was writing, that would be stuck in a glass bottle to land who knows where one day? She couldn't help it- the word was set.
The sky crackled and the boat tossed and turned. The team used every bit of knowledge, strength and faith.
They realized what it was to live; the traits of life well-lived seared their minds and empowered them to want to fight for more days for such life to walk.
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